Compassionate Boundaries with Life Coach Sheila Anne

What if you could live more authentically, with boundaries that not only define your personal space but also open doors to a more balanced, self-loving life? Joined by our dear friend and renowned women's life coach, Sheila Anne, we embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth in our most recent episode. Sheila introduces us to her signature group coaching program, Nourish, designed to empower women to care for their body, mind, and soul. We also delve into the concept of setting boundaries, challenging the notion that boundaries always equate to a 'no'.

Our conversation takes an enlightening turn as our guest shares her personal experience with setting boundaries and how saying 'no' has brought her closer to people in her life. We ponder upon changing our mindset from "I'm sorry, I can't" to a loving "No, thank you" and how this shift can foster self-compassion. Drawing from our personal stories, we unpack the importance of advocating for oneself and prioritizing self-care.

In this riveting episode, we also explore the concept of compassionate boundaries, particularly in adult friendships, emphasizing that kindness and compassion often lay the foundation for the best boundaries. We consider how small shifts in our schedule, like Sheila Ann's decision to spend more morning time with her husband and dog, can vastly improve our personal life and work-life balance. And, as we stress the importance of knowing oneself, we celebrate the power of self-reflection and self-search, echoing the importance of understanding when we're out of alignment and need to re-evaluate our boundaries. This is an episode brimming with valuable insights that you wouldn't want to miss!

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Hi, friends, and welcome to Believe Like a Boss. I'm your host Life Coach, nandu Kamil. Join me as I teach you how to smash your goals and expand the possibility of your life through mindset management, spiritual alignment and authentic action. I'll teach you how to create what I like to call a life of thrive, with ease and authenticity. It's time to play with what's possible. Are you ready? Let's go.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode. I am so excited to have Sheila. Ann on the podcast. This week, sheila and I met as Beauty Boost Ambassadors. Was it two, three years ago now? Do you remember 2021.?

Speaker 3: 0:47

So yeah, it was almost exactly two years ago that we met at the first event outside.

Speaker 2: 0:54

August. I was thinking about that. So Sheila and I were ambassadors. We're at this. I think it was Taste of Fitness event, and I don't know if we were both new ambassadors, I don't know. I feel like maybe we'd circulated each other, but on this specific occasion it's like we clicked and we became immediate friends and we even bought matching necklaces on that day. We've been friends ever since. I love that necklace and I think about you every single time I wear. I'm so excited to have you here Just to like talk to you and as we were talking before we hit record just to have a conversation with you, because whenever we talk, I walk away feeling nourished by our conversation. So I'm hoping for the same thing for our audience. So I would love, sheila, if you could just take a few moments to introduce yourself, tell everybody who you are.

Speaker 3: 1:36

Yes, absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing me to this podcast, nandi, as well as bringing that memory back up. Nandi and I met, and sometimes, when I spy a friend that I want to make my friend, I will literally be like you. You're my friend. Yeah, like you have to do that sometimes in adulthood, and sometimes that works, and it did for us. So, kismet, hello everybody. For those that don't know me, my name is Sheila and I am a woman's life coach, a yoga instructor, as well as an event and retreat facilitator curator. I also dabble in mentoring and training for new coaches and I do corporate wellness seminars. So a little bit of everything, but I really focus on mindset and embodiment when it comes to living your best life.

Speaker 2: 2:29

Absolutely, and I think that's probably why we get along so well, because I just I agree with so much of what you teach and what you do and the way you go about it. I think Sheila and I are very similar in our you know modalities and the way we go about things, but we also have our own take on it, and so I always love talking to you and I always love hearing about all the things you're doing.

Speaker 3: 2:47

I think the multi-client is there for both of us too. It's like what are you doing?

Speaker 2: 2:50

And every time we catch up at something we're excited to talk about it, and I always love hearing about what you're doing and y'all we're going to talk about nourish which is coming up soon. Why don't we talk about that now? Tell us about nourish.

Speaker 3: 3:01

Yeah, absolutely so, nourish. For those that you don't know, it is my women's group coaching program, my signature group coaching program. That happens only once a year in the fall, september 18th. That week is the week that we kick things off. Nourish is all about learning how to take care of your body, your mind and your soul through immersive training and coaching experiences, get out of your comfort zone, challenges and community along the way, and it runs for 14 weeks. Each part of nourish involves different modules where you get to learn and you get to journal and you get to discover different parts of yourself that you can adapt into literally anything that you are looking to create or manifest in your life, whether it's love or in career, or it's in your relationship to yourself. We talk about all of that.

Speaker 2: 3:56

Love it. Okay, if you're interested in that, I will put that in the show notes. Show notes just mean the description of the podcast. For any of you who are ever wondering what that means, so, that will be in the description of the podcast. There's also going to be a blog post attached to this, so one of the things I'm really excited about having with the guests is when they fill out.

Speaker 2: 4:13

I have this very lengthy thank you for filling it out podcast questionnaire for the guests, but it's so that you all can learn about them beyond just this podcast episode learn about where they come from, what their background is, just who they are as a person in the world. So I'm excited to have that on the website as well. If you go to nannikamillecom, go into the blog, but, like I said, all of that will be in the show notes. But I'm going to dive in. Sheila, we're talking about some boundaries. We're talking about boundaries. We'll be going into our next level.

Speaker 2: 4:40

So and you have some questions from some people in your audience, so this is a surprise for me you all this is gonna be fun, like a game I matter that I have no idea what I'm about to do at home right now, which is a lot of fun, and different choices Like do you want to know, do you not? I was like you choose, so I'm excited. What are the questions you have for us, sheila?

Speaker 3: 5:00

Yeah, so I can kind of list them off and we can riff. Imagine if I just made up all these questions. That pretended because I was selfish and just wanted your thoughts on them.

Speaker 1: 5:08

You'll never know.

Speaker 3: 5:10

You'll never know, okay. So I love this first question because I think that it holds with an assumption that I definitely used to have a bound boundaries as well, which is is a boundary always a no? What are your thoughts on that, nandi?

Speaker 2: 5:29

No, I wouldn't say, a boundary is always a no. I mean that that's maybe, when I think about it, as we assume that a boundary is a no, that we're setting a boundary as a result of not saying no, but sometimes I think, when you and I were talking in the context of getting to our next level, so sometimes that boundary is a yes, like.

Speaker 2: 5:47

I thinking about this past weekend and having spoken at fan power to like I set the new boundary that I was going to say yes to opportunities like that. I don't know if boundary goes hand.

Speaker 2: 5:58

If that wording goes hand in hand, I'm going to have to mill on that, but I don't have the time I have, I'm going to say it like it doesn't have to be a no. Sometimes a boundary is even I was thinking about mindset earlier today. Sometimes a boundary is not allowing those lower level thoughts that we used to entertain before. I'm not good enough right it might be saying no to that thought, but it's also saying yes to I am good. So it's it's both, and maybe that's my top of my head. And for me, what do you think?

Speaker 3: 6:31

beautiful. So a lot of things are coming up for me on this one, even with what you just shared, and I think it's important here to kind of define, at least for us, like what a boundary really is. And a boundary sure can make you think of a fence or a gate or a stop sign, and in a lot of ways that's what it, what it is, what it has been. However, what else is happening? Like then, know the boundary, the stop sign might be happening, but at the same time it's because you're choosing the green light, or it's because you're choosing a different doorway in the gate, right? So if we think about a boundary being more about I won't do that, it's because I will do this. So I like to think of boundaries as well.

Speaker 3: 7:17

As I will wake up at 7am tomorrow, that is a boundary that I'm setting with myself. Better. What's better is to say with a lot of my clients, like I will finish work at 5pm, I will close my computer down because I won't be working after hours and not being paid for that time. So I'm not sure it's because you're setting a boundary work life boundaries but it's because you're choosing. I will finish work and I will go enjoy myself. So there's two things that are at play there.

Speaker 2: 7:51

I 100% agree and I love the way you said that with the work specifically because it does come up Whether you're working for the May El's or you're setting your own boundary with work of. We don't always think about that as a boundary. When you said that, I was like, yes, that is setting a boundary with ourselves deciding we're gonna be the bookends of my day.

Speaker 2: 8:09

What is it that I'm committing to within that time and when? I'm committing to stopping at a certain time, like you said, I'm also committing to saying yes to my evening, going for my walk, doing all of the things that work like balance that I want. Yes, I wanna work. Yes, I wanna work hard and I wanna enjoy my life.

Speaker 2: 8:29

So I love that you specifically put that on boundary because, again, I think that we often go to people having a set boundary with somebody because they've continued across the line and we've continued to be a doormat, but sometimes we're even a doormat with ourselves or we say I'm gonna do something and we don't follow through. So I love how you phrase that. That boundary is what came up for me while you were saying. That is almost like your standard.

Speaker 2: 8:53

This is my new normal this is my standard that this is my baseline, this is my foundation, this is my boundary, all of those things hand in hand. This is my new standard of living and life, and how I show up.

Speaker 3: 9:05

Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, and that's something that especially became true for me about a year ago when I was really facing burnout and Nandi. You were part of the anti hustle. That experience, that kind of, was inspired by the anti hero right About being anti burnout and about setting more accountability with yourself, more responsibility of what are you no longer available for. How can we become more responsible for our lives by setting boundaries? And when we say I won't do that, it's because I will do this. I will look out for my mental health and my wellbeing. Therefore, I won't do all of these other things.

Speaker 2: 9:49

Absolutely okay. So I'm gonna turn it to the audience right now. I would love if everybody could just pause and think about what might be a boundary that you would like to set. And it takes me back to again speaking this weekend. My talk was shooting on yourself. We're not doing this from a place of. I should wake up at 6 am.

Speaker 1: 10:04

I should end at 6 pm.

Speaker 2: 10:06

So what do you want to do? Set the boundary from a place of desire, from a place of want. What do you have to say about that, Sheila?

Speaker 3: 10:12

Yes, this is where we totally align. Again, nandi is thinking about the positive psychology of it and knowing that research shows that it is more powerful if you're moving towards something than away from something. So, instead of thinking about moving away from pain, which can be inspiring in its own right moving towards pleasure. So how can we move towards pleasure here? What do you want to feel tomorrow, what do you want to feel in your day-to-day, and what action could take you there? If you were to take that action, what boundaries would need to exist?

Speaker 2: 10:49

Yes, absolutely, and I love that too, because, again, I think that boundaries has this negative connotation, but we're just scrubbing that away right now and it's like no Scrub it, it's gone bye-bye. It's gone bye-bye, no more, because we're doing it from a place of want and desire. What do you want and, as a result, what is the boundary that you're going to set so that you can have that pleasurable experience, you can have that goal, you can be and embody that person that you see in your mind's eye? Yes, so.

Speaker 3: 11:18

I would say. That's why I love that we're focused on self-boundaries today, nandi, because I think boundaries are often about what do we think about other people? What are we saying to other people? Making about them, making about other, versus what am I doing for myself?

Speaker 2: 11:34

Absolutely, absolutely. Oh, I love that Good question. That's such a good question. Ok, that's a great question.

Speaker 3: 11:41

OK, another one that we have is does it get less uncomfortable the more you do it, mm?

Speaker 2: 11:51

I think people are going to get really annoyed. I think it's a yes, and, again, I think that over time, it's not. Nothing is black and white. Well, at least in this context, I think that it does get easier with practice. I think that we learn how to grow the muscle of disagreeing with grace, of saying no thank you, of checking in with ourselves before we have a knee-jerk reaction to people, please. I think that that muscle gets built over time.

Speaker 2: 12:18

So, yes, and I absolutely still get uncomfortable when I feel as though, whether it's other people or myself, I'm having this set of boundaries. I think every time it's that I really need to get the clarification, but maybe you know I think it's called adonic adaptation or hedonic adaptation. I need to get the clarification. But it's that concept of every time we reach a new level, there's the next mountain and we're wanting to, and setting boundaries can be the same thing. As we get to a new level, we're saying no thank you to new things, whether it's again with ourselves or with other people. Things that served us to a certain point might not serve us at that next level, so we're having to set a new boundary. Yes, we've practiced and we've exercised that and I wouldn't say that it necessarily gets easier. You just know that you can do it. You just have more confidence around. This is uncomfortable, but I've done it before and I can do it again and it's going to be OK. I'll be fine. That's the both end.

Speaker 3: 13:14

Yeah, I'm curious for you, Nandi what is a boundary? That has become easy for you.

Speaker 2: 13:22

I think a boundary that's become easier now is accepting or denying invitations. I think before, whether it was family members or a friend, anything I was invited to, I felt very obligated to attend. And from a place of love, because I loved the people in my life and I wanted to attend everybody's events, or I wanted to go to everything. But it got to a certain point where burnout happens because I'm saying yes to so many things and you learn that.

Speaker 2: 13:48

Well, I learned that I was not giving my best by saying yes to everything and that was out of alignment for me and I wanted to be present at the events that I went to, and so that meant that I needed to say no to some things, or that meant that I spoke up and said hey, instead of going out for lunch, can we go for?

Speaker 1: 14:04

a walk.

Speaker 3: 14:05

Whatever it is.

Speaker 2: 14:06

We need to be able to advocate for ourselves and knowing that it was OK.

Speaker 3: 14:10

Wow, I love that example, nandi, because what you said there was not only about not accepting invitations, saying no to things, sharing about what I think everyone can relate to, with feeling bad, saying no to these invitations, but also saying, hey, I know that you invited me to dinner, but I'd actually like a walk, and that could be because of your boundaries with your budget, your boundaries with your gut health. Like, speaking from experience, of not being able to eat out for a year due to health issues. Like thinking about the boundaries that you have and what that can look like in translation, and switching from the mindset of I'm sorry, I can't. Oh, no, I'm so sorry, or I wish I could, but hey, thank you for understanding, or I won't be able to do that. However, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd like to spend time with you in another way, and so it is switching from that. I won't, but I will, so thank you for making that change too of. Here's another doorway in the gateway of our boundaries, if we were to use that visual.

Speaker 2: 15:16

And I found that when I advocated for myself, it was reciprocated. People were like, okay, yeah, people are flexible, people will work with you, it's okay. And I know there's that fear of like, oh my gosh, they're never gonna invite me to anything. But I've even had to speak up on that too, like, hey, I'm so sorry, you know. I know you've invited me to two things now I haven't been able to go. Please keep inviting me. I had to say that out loud, like I would love to please keep inviting me. It is my intention to go to an event. It's just X, y and Z has happened. So it takes practice. I think it's really taking practice for me. I'm gonna flip it around on you and we've got a boundary you've had to set with yourself or with others. That you feel like is a muscle you've built. Now what comes up for you?

Speaker 3: 16:02

Well, I think I kind of gave it away with. The thing that excites me so much is when a friend makes an offering for what we could do together and I offer something back based off of what I'm willing and not willing to do. So I love doing the walking and hiking, I do morning runs with one of my friends and then we, like, get coffee afterwards. So setting boundaries that also take care of my well-being and for me, offer deeper connection. I think I became a lot better at those no pieces throughout COVID as well, because we were kind of all forced to not make any social engagements and then be able to Come out of that and say, okay, what am I willing to put my time into and what am I not willing to put my time into.

Speaker 3: 16:52

And Sometimes you kind of got gotta get burned in the fire a little bit. So go to an event that you didn't want to go to and like really didn't want to go to I don't just mean like I don't want to go and then you go and have a great time, but something that was misaligned. And then you say, okay, I know better now. Not getting down on yourself, not being upset with yourself, but saying, I know better now, and so I think I've been trying to be more compassionate with myself. When I learned, ooh, that wasn't a good, a good boundary, I'll open my schedule up on a Friday, when I started to set the boundary that I won't work on Fridays, or I at least won't take clients on Friday, and then I'll say, okay, that didn't feel good, and so working on those aspects as well.

Speaker 1: 17:32

I love that okay.

Speaker 2: 17:33

So two things came up while you were talking and there are different directions, but one is the boundaries with our schedule, specifically, yeah, the same thing where I'm playing with my schedule. When I want to see clients, when it feels good to see clients, I'm moving out of the should, like I should have X amount of appointments a day to yeah Feels good, and testing that out. So I would love to know your thoughts about that.

Speaker 2: 17:54

Let me start there, because the other one is yeah, okay, my thoughts around scheduling in general, yeah, and how you yeah, when it feels good for you to coach, versus when it feels like how you're designing your lifestyle.

Speaker 3: 18:08

Oh, my gosh, that's a good question, such a good question. And what's part? What's important as part of this context, as I recently moved and because of that, my husband, who works for a An actual company, he doesn't work for himself his schedule changed dramatically and I realized that I wanted to actually have more time in the morning where I could spend time with him and my dog and we could go for runs. And so I shifted my schedule where now I don't typically have anything until Nine or ten and maybe that's normal, but before I was taking people at seven or eight and finishing early, because everyone in Denver gets out of work at four and goes To play like that's how the mood typically is, whereas now I've shifted my schedule where I'll work a little bit later, like I have a client later this week, that's at 6 pm.

Speaker 3: 18:57

I have played with opening my schedule to clients from Monday through Wednesday, and there are certain clients that I will take on Thursday. There are in-person clients that I'll take on Friday, but those days are blocked. No one can see them because that's my time, where I am, I'm teaching yoga, where I'm working on my business, instead of in my business when I'm having my playtime. So it's important for me to have that, that scheduling, that kind of Monday through Excuse me Monday through Wednesday, those three days Not sure if I said Monday through Friday, but those three days, monday through Wednesday to be really client focused and all in on serving my people.

Speaker 2: 19:39

Beautiful, okay, beautiful. When you were talking I know I like it's like I heard the whisper of the audience they said what do you mean by working on your business versus in your business? What?

Speaker 1: 19:49

are those.

Speaker 3: 19:51

Yeah, great question. So and I always get these two confused but working in my business is when I'm in the client delivery mode, is when I'm teaching a yoga class, is when I'm Really in the weeds, like thinking about myself as Sheila and the business. I am in the role of One of the doers, one of like the working bees, versus when do I step up? And I'm queen bee, I'm CEO, I am overlooking, I'm overlooking a business and I'm saying, okay, what needs a little bit of tension is that customer service is it sales, is it product development? And being able to see, when I'm working on my business instead of in my business, what needs to change so that I can be at my best and my Clients and the people that I serve can also get the best from me.

Speaker 2: 20:47

Beautiful. Okay, so what I'm hearing, recapping for everybody, that's listening. What Sheila does and what works for you is Monday through Wednesday. You're a client focus. You're in the business, working on the clients, actively coaching, writing client emails, things of that nature and you set the boundary. That then Thursday, friday, that's when you get to back up, be the queen bee I love that you use that phrasing to queen bee working on the business. You have stay set aside for you to zoom out, look out the trajectory of your business. What are the offerings that I'm looking in the future? What are the systems that I'm using? Are they working right now and for right now in this season? That's the flow that's really working for you and those are the boundaries you've said.

Speaker 3: 21:25

That's right, with a few exceptions.

Speaker 2: 21:29

Beautiful and I love it too, because that's what you're saying. With the Thursday, friday being blocked off, you can decide. If a client reads you and it feels an alignment for you and you do that check-in, does it feel good for me to meet with this client?

Speaker 3: 21:40

exactly. Yes, yes. And circling back to what you were saying about shooting on yourself, look at where you have set boundaries where you could actually be a little bit more flexible, like if I was just saying nope, sorry, can't take. Can't take you on Thursday, can't take you on Friday. What does that do for me? Like, is that what feels good? Actually, that client gives me a lot of energy. That would feel like a good exchange, being a little bit flexible, and this is kind of where we Allow for feminine energy to enter our lives and our businesses, of being more in flow and more in our intuition.

Speaker 2: 22:17

Oh, I, love it, love that. I feel like we just dropped so many nuggets, so good, but okay, here's where my brain went sideways as well. Yeah, back to Friends. I think friendships meaning friendships in our adulthood and also kind of the boundaries that come up with that, having those conversations, being willing to have those conversations of what you're willing to do, what you're not willing to do, and, as you're starting those Friendships, who you speak to. That a little bit about just your experience, maybe our experience of creating friendships in adulthood.

Speaker 3: 22:51

Absolutely. What comes to mind for me is I try to adhere to what Brené Brown says about compassionate people and thinking about the kindest, most compassionate people have the best boundaries, and that is because it comes from a place of self-love, of love for the friends that you're speaking with. It comes from that sense of I'm looking out for myself, because I want you to take care of you too, and if I'm able to wholly and completely share with you I'm having a rough day and I can't even get on the phone with you and that's my boundary, then you're able to say hey, thanks for saying that. Let me share what's going on in my life. Yes, and so for me.

Speaker 3: 23:35

I come from this place of loving, kindness, which takes practice as well, because if you get really activated and people please see when you're setting a boundary, it actually might come across as more like oh no, this is bad. And then your, your friend, is like oh, this feels like weird energy. What's happening? Are they mad at me? Like the energy exchange is not right either, and it can actually muck the waters up by not just bringing your truest, most genuine self forward.

Speaker 2: 24:06

Yeah, it's beautiful. So I'm hearing you say speak up, Like when we're meeting people, when we're getting to know people speak up about your need.

Speaker 2: 24:15

If you wanna hop on the phone, ask them if they wanna hop on the phone. If you wanna go for a walk, ask them if they wanna go for a walk. And on the receiving end, if somebody asks you to hop on the phone and you're not a phone person, be willing to speak up and say, hey, can we FaceTime instead? Or can we kind of go for a walk with you on Saturday, right To speak up and to advocate for those things and to not be? And it can be really uncomfortable, I think at first, when you're just getting to know people, you don't know how they're gonna respond. But to do it, to speak up, because that's how the friendship is built, is through that vulnerability and through that opening up the door a little bit more of what your needs are.

Speaker 3: 24:54

That's where the deepest, truest connections come from, the most loving friendships that will overflow your cup, and on the other side, it's important to notice the people that are sucking your energy and the people that you do need to set a boundary with, and it's about you, it's not about them.

Speaker 3: 25:14

Maybe it feels like it's about them, but it's your energy that's being lost. And so, while you'll have friends and people that visitors to your life that come through and that wants to have your time and your energy, there's going to be times where you will find yourself needing to cut ties, needing to spend less time with those people that are not going to be part of your next level era. I always say make friends with people who are where you're going, not where you're from, and I say this as somebody who has friends from when I was one years old. Like I have people that I've carried through, but paying attention to the people that are walking forward with you and that comes from a place of I won't right, I won't spend as much time with that person. I will be honoring my true self. I will be spending time with that person that I'm going to bring into my life right Anandi, that I met at the beauty booth. I will be spending time with her.

Speaker 2: 26:16

Absolutely. I told you, you stuck with me. Okay, this is what you're coming from, leon. It's how, how, how, how, how. How do I notice when somebody is out of alignment and sucking my energy? How do I speak up about that? When do I speak up about that? How do I know if it's just me and I'm just being sensitive, versus this is a person that's not necessarily going to serve me at my next level? That's what's coming up for me. What are your thoughts on that?

Speaker 3: 26:42

This is where boundaries come from, which is all about getting really clear in yourself. Before boundaries even happen, you have to get clear on yourself. That includes your values, how you're doing in your life, in your body, in your mind, in your soul. There has to be clarity in terms of where you are and your vision for the future. So if you are getting the feeling like, oh, I need to set this boundary, Okay, let's come back and let's study that. Use that as a little knee search, self study.

Speaker 3: 27:19

Come back and notice have I taken time recently to connect with my core values? Have I taken time recently to notice how I'm really feeling? Like hand on heart, hand on belly, how am I really? And if you start to notice how you're doing when you're in your own energy and it feels the same way with somebody else, that might be actually still your energy that you're carrying over to that person. And I say this because sometimes we can get activated by people and it's our stuff that we're bringing forward. Well, it always is our stuff, but it's our stuff that we're bringing forward because we're not in alignment. And so, coming back and I hope that this is answering your question, though it kind of opens up a whole new box of worms or whatever, is getting clear in who you really are at your core level, how you feel and what you need and what you desire, will help you to be even more clear and committed to your boundaries with others.

Speaker 2: 28:26

So good, first of all, let's rewind. You said me search. I said what? Me search? Oh my gosh, I didn't know I'm you're the first. I hope everybody that listened to this podcast hears you say it for the very first time, because that was number one for me Me search.

Speaker 3: 28:43

Me search.

Speaker 2: 28:44

I love that. I love that because it comes back to when we're setting these boundaries. How do I set the boundary rate? Knowing who you are, knowing what you want, knowing what you desire knowing what's an alignment, for you know what?

Speaker 2: 28:56

it feels like to be in alignment, so that way, when you are in energy that feels out of alignment, you can recognize it. And you can do that. Me search in the moment of. Am I having a thought about this person? Is it me, am I judging them and is that it or is it that? No, actually I have been honest. I have shown up in this relationship, I have advocated for my needs and this person is just straight up not listening to me and is in their own, and that's okay. But I no longer want to be involved. Ooh, yes.

Speaker 3: 29:23

That's a really beautiful distinction that you just made the difference in that energy between what's happening. Something doesn't feel right, yeah, but I can't put my finger on it, but like I think it could be me, but I feel like I'm judging them versus I know myself. I know I have asked for what I need in this relationship. I know that I'm not being met here and I know that I leave every conversation feeling bad about myself or feeling icky, and I've been flaked on a million times, whatever it is. But there's such a difference in that energy, one being kind of like fluttery and the other so much more grounded and dignified.

Speaker 2: 29:59

Yes, so good, I'm keeping up forever me, search Me search.

Speaker 3: 30:06

Love me, some me search.

Speaker 2: 30:08

I love that so much. Okay, beautiful, was there one more question from your audience?

Speaker 3: 30:12

Yeah, there is, and this one's quite specific and I actually think it could be helpful to have even more information about this, but it's how do you set? How do you set? Let me just read it specifically how do I set boundaries with my daughters? And I think, thinking about how do you set boundaries with daughters and sons, with family members, yeah, what comes up for you?

Speaker 2: 30:39

I just I like you zoom out and it applies to all relationships. I think it's such there's such.

Speaker 2: 30:44

It's a salad of things, right? It's the part where A like we were talking about how are you setting boundaries with yourself? How do you currently communicate with yourself? Because that's probably showing you how you communicate with others, like the way that you're currently communicating with yourself, and if not, let's take a look at that. Also, what is your relationship with the daughter? What is what's coming up? What is the boundary? Is it the way she's speaking to you? Is it the way? What is it?

Speaker 2: 31:09

And even in that, what comes up for me is check in. We have so many judgments, right? Is it a judgment that maybe we need to clean up, that has nothing to do with that person, that we need to check in and be like yo? This is actually just a thought that I'm having about this person. It's not even that they're doing anything bad or wrong. It's just that I don't necessarily agree with the choice that they're making, and that's a different conversation. So all of those things come up, but it's a series of checking in, and I think, too, the curiosity piece curiosity and grace come up for me, too, regardless of what it is, whether it's a boundary with yourself or in relation. We're talking about relationship right now, though, but being curious. Being curious about, if you're the person setting the boundary, why that person on the other end is showing up that way from a place of love, like assuming.

Speaker 2: 31:55

I love to everybody is doing their best. So, assuming this person is doing their best and believes that the action they're taking is good, why might they be showing up from that place? And I think, if you're on the receiving end of the boundary, taking a moment to I think it's that grace piece be willing to listen and hear what's being delivered to you. It doesn't mean you have to download it, it doesn't mean that it's true, but it's coming back to that curiosity. Please, why?

Speaker 1: 32:22

is this being brought up? Where is this?

Speaker 3: 32:23

person coming from.

Speaker 2: 32:24

Assuming that everybody is doing their best and wants the best, leaving space for that, that curiosity and that grace. Yeah, I think I would agree with you. You probably want some more context for the daughter.

Speaker 3: 32:36

Curiosity and grace. I really like that and I like what you said about being able to step back and notice what communication has already happened. If we were to dive into this a little bit deeper, I would get really curious about what the boundary, what does boundary really mean for this person that's writing in Like, what does the boundary mean and where is that feeling coming from of? I need to set a boundary. What would be possible if that boundary was set? Like, what's their dream scenario? What would the boundary get them? Whether it's a feeling or an action or some sort of outcome, what would the boundary then get them?

Speaker 3: 33:20

And whether this needs to be more of a boundary with themselves versus a verbal or physical boundary with a family member, because sometimes when we talk about self boundaries, it can be about someone else. I'm using hand quotes. It can be okay, it's about this family member, about this friend, but I'm gonna set it with myself. It's more of an energetic boundary with myself versus having a phone call. Hey, I won't be doing this anymore because of XYZ. Thank you so much for understanding. Communicating that boundary verbally and, of course, physical boundary, whether it's moving or it's not attending certain occasions, that's a whole nother thing but being able to notice in yourself what kind of boundary do you really need? And coming back to that Grace, that curiosity, as well as what is important about this boundary and what is the ideal outcome that this person would want.

Speaker 2: 34:12

I think that that's such an important point that you bring up is what is it that you're wanting to get as a result of this boundary?

Speaker 2: 34:18

I think, that you don't always think that part through or just like it's gonna fix it. But what does that mean? What does fix it mean? Does it mean that you're gonna have inner peace? Does it mean that you never have to speak to this person again? Does it mean that this person changes their behavior? Right, because that's something else to talk about. We can't change other people's behavior, so I love that you're in there of like, what is the result that you're looking to get by setting this boundary?

Speaker 2: 34:41

I think that that's such a good check in. And you also said something that I think was important, that there's multiple kinds of boundaries. I don't know that we always verbalize that that sometimes setting a boundary means you just don't communicate with that person anymore. You don't even have to have a conversation about it, that you don't communicate with that person anymore. It's not even like ghosting them, it's just I'm no longer going to put myself in that arena. I'm not gonna put myself in those spaces.

Speaker 3: 35:06

If I know that that person is there, I'm going to choose to remove my whatever it is, it doesn't even have to be verbal, and sometimes it does, so I love that distinction, yeah yeah, what just came up for me is so silly Nandi, but it's like thinking about the people that I don't even see this anymore but would type on other people's like social accounts like I'm unfollowing you. It's like who needed to hear, like who needed that to be said right, and it's different than like an out of office of like hey, if you need me, I'm away, this is my boundary, versus like you won't be seeing me anymore and it's like who is that really for in this case? And so thinking about when so much boundaries, is communication communicating your boundaries? But also there is such a thing of maybe over communication or when the communication needs to happen more with yourself, because oftentimes if you are over communicating, it's because there's not enough happening with yourself. You're not solid enough in who you are, what you want, what you need and what that looks like in real time.

Speaker 2: 36:05

And what comes over me as you're saying. That is like the person that is maybe reaching out and so like trying to say, well, I'm leaving and they're not getting a response. It's like I agree with you. Who is that for? Is that? Are you waiting on that person, to their ego, to fight you back in order for you to have proof to set a boundary? You don't need any more proof. I don't know who I'm talking to. You don't need any more proof to set that boundary. Stop trying to adjust to them, to tell them, to prove to them that you've set a boundary. It is safe for you to walk away. And I think sometimes I don't know this, the I don't know, maybe it's the tourist meet who knows, but like wants to have the last word sometimes.

Speaker 2: 36:40

And it's like you don't need to have the last. You can just walk away with so much peace and grace. Like, who are you setting it for? I think that that's such a good check in for us.

Speaker 3: 36:50

Yeah, and to bring it back to the self boundaries thinking about, saying came before me there's this beautiful poem called she Let Go, and it's all about like she didn't tell anyone, she just let go. She didn't call her mom about it, she just let go. Thinking about what in your life you could create, what boundaries you could set, what morning routine you could get into. That's all about you and no one needs to know about it. And that's not like I don't want anybody to stay hidden, Like how the world brag about it, but also make it about you. Let yourself receive that nourishment and celebrate your successes yourself, instead of looking for other people to validate. You're doing a good job, you are doing this right. How can you celebrate the boundaries that you're setting for yourself?

Speaker 2: 37:46

Beautiful. I was just saying that in my brain. I don't know why this raising comes up, but it's like boundary vegetables. It's like how do I, the person's like, trying to learn how to build boundaries, learn how to stand in their own shoes, learn how to be the most confident self? I think that that's such a good tip for starting. How do I build that within myself? Just start doing things just for you. Have your own back, say I'm going to get up at this time and do this thing, or I'm gonna end work at this time and do this thing or whatever it is for you. And as you follow through with that, you build that confidence so that when something else comes up, you've started to practice just having your own back for the sake of having your own backs. That way, when life comes at you and it's an opportunity, it helps you to be able to stand in your own two feet and be like no, thank you.

Speaker 2: 38:34

Actually, I would like to do this because you've practiced it.

Speaker 3: 38:37

Exactly. Yeah, you've practiced it. And what I always like to think about is, instead of fake it till you make it, practice it until you embody it, not thinking about yourself as faking it or just like doing it anyway, but practicing it. I am in the practice. That's what I say every time I step on my yoga mat. I am in practice, and it is gonna look different today than it did yesterday. Practice it until you embody it and, slowly but surely, continuing to embody new boundaries, flexing new muscles, will build your base and we'll make it even easier than before.

Speaker 2: 39:18

Absolutely, absolutely. An example comes to mind and this was when you're talking about boundaries that we've said when people would reach out to me to be on the podcast or to offer me a service video editing, virtual assistant, whatever it is I remember I used to feel really bad about setting the boundary of saying no, thank you. I felt like again I needed to say yes to everybody or maybe not now, but maybe later, knowing fully well I didn't necessarily want to work with them. I wasn't looking for those kinds of services, and I've grown the muscle of saying no, thank you, or not at this time, or I'll look at their stuff and if I think, okay, maybe in a year, maybe six months, maybe in a month, when I'm doing this thing, and then I can work with them, I'll tell them that. But as you were saying, practice that is the example that came to mind is.

Speaker 2: 40:03

It took time for me to practice it and I used to get so much anxiety that I would, almost like an Instagram, read the message and then go away. But now I've gotten to the habit of like no, I'm gonna read the message, I'm gonna respond right now and say, no, thank you, I'm not looking for these services at this time. But thank you so much for reaching out and I've gotten the most beautiful responses from that, from people like thank you so much for responding. Thank you so much for having a nice response, because I mean, cold messaging is not my thing, but a lot of people do it and it works for them and they get some nasty messages back and I think that's what also came up with me. For me, too, it was like I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be nasty. I know that I don't necessarily need this service and knowing that saying no thank you does not mean that you're being nasty or mean. It doesn't happen at all.

Speaker 3: 40:45

I mean you're being kind.

Speaker 2: 40:46

Yes, absolutely, You're being kind, Absolutely it's just some time to realize that and recognize that and say no, thank you, with love and to be honest anybody that's living continue to cold message me. I love being exposed to new businesses. Honestly, I have a new perspective on it. I think, I think before it was like I don't know why you're messaging me.

Speaker 3: 41:05

And now it's like you know what.

Speaker 2: 41:06

I don't know have the ads on TV. It took them playing it 800 times for me to know what Old Navy was. So why not allow this other business owner to? Just my mindset around it has changed and knowing that I can say no, thank you.

Speaker 2: 41:19

It's not bad, it's not wrong Like you said, it's kind. So that was what came up for me. I would love to know if you have any last thoughts for our audience when it comes to boundaries. I love that she let go poem that you referenced, but what other thoughts or tidbits do you have for the audience when it comes to boundaries or setting the stage for having strong boundaries with themselves or with others?

Speaker 3: 41:39

Absolutely so. Coming back to building our foundation of boundaries, thinking about your core values, getting to know yourself really well, what are the standards that your next level, self, is available for and is not available for? Doing that me search, noticing where in your life you're leaking energy, where in your life you have fuzzy boundaries and that you need to tighten up. So taking time to really do an assessment for that me search, as I said, on yourself, so that you can be even more clear, even more dignified when you set those boundaries. And those boundaries can be verbal, physical, energetic self boundaries, like they can look a whole different, all different ways. And trusting yourself with knowing what that might look like and having compassion with yourself when you begin to set these boundaries.

Speaker 3: 42:29

It will not be perfect. We are all human and you are likely communicating with other humans, and so thinking about how you can do that from the most loving and kind place that feels genuine to you, rather than coming out of a place of self-defense or worrying about what they're going to say back. So just kind of summarizing all of that thinking about starting from that foundation, building your understanding of yourself, to looking at boundaries and what it means for you, focusing on that piece of what boundaries could get you in your life, what is the ideal outcome, and then actually executing, practicing, practice it till you embody it. Just try and tweak and experiment. Life is one big experiment. You are always in the process.

Speaker 2: 43:18

So good. Thank you, Sheila. If people want to find you, if they want to join Nourish, how do they do that?

Speaker 3: 43:24

You will find me at she Flows and Grows on Instagram. Nourish is in the link in my bio, but you can also find my website, sheilaannecom, or backslash Nourish for Nourish. But you can find all of the other things, like my Costa Rica retreat that takes place in February of 2024. You can still grab a spot on week two. Come and find me. Send me a message. I love, love, love chatting with new people.

Speaker 2: 43:54

I love it. Thank you so much for coming. Sheila All of that will also be in the show notes. Like I said, there will also be a blog post on Sheila, so go to the website, nandakamillecom. Go to the blog. We'll have a whole post on Sheila and more information on how you can get connected with Nourish or go to the retreat to Costa Rica in February.

Speaker 1: 44:12

That is so exciting.

Speaker 2: 44:13

You're gonna get a look into that.

Speaker 3: 44:15

Yeah, you should. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, nandi, appreciate you.

Speaker 2: 44:35

Hey friend, if you like this podcast, I would love it if you could give us a five star rating. Share it with your friends, share it with somebody another girl boss babe that you know is grinding, showing up as her best self, and can maybe use some support on her way. If you're interested in one-on-one coaching, if this podcast resonates with you and you're ready for some one-on-one support support for you and your journey go ahead to nandakamillecom to learn more, or head over to nandakamilleasme to sign up for your free discovery call. I'll see you soon, queen.