Master the art of assertiveness and soar to new heights in your personal and professional life with life Coach Nandi Camille on this transformative episode of Believe Like a Boss. Through powerful insights and relatable anecdotes, Nandi guides you on a journey of self-discovery, helping you embrace change and find the courage to be assertive. Discover the strong connection between assertiveness and confidence, and learn valuable tools to stand out and lead without fear. Get ready to unleash your inner butterfly and create a life filled with growth, empowerment, and beautiful transformation.
In this thought-provoking conversation, Nandi delves into the importance of finding balance and alignment in our communications. By exploring the fears associated with assertiveness, she provides practical tools to handle them with grace and ease. Discover how to communicate with clarity, confidence, and an open mind, all while honoring the opinions of others. Nandi also challenges the fear of speaking up and emphasizes the power of honesty in creating connection and reconciliation. Join her as she shares the secrets to self-trust, the beauty of embracing misunderstood, and the transformative power of being assertive. Step into a world of growth and change, where your voice is heard and your leadership shines.
ENJOY THE PODCAST? Leave us a 5-star review so more people can find us!
Master the art of assertiveness and soar to new heights in your personal and professional life with life Coach Nandi Camille on this transformative episode of Believe Like a Boss. Through powerful insights and relatable anecdotes, Nandi guides you on a journey of self-discovery, helping you embrace change and find the courage to be assertive. Discover the strong connection between assertiveness and confidence, and learn valuable tools to stand out and lead without fear. Get ready to unleash your inner butterfly and create a life filled with growth, empowerment, and beautiful transformation.
In this thought-provoking conversation, Nandi delves into the importance of finding balance and alignment in our communications. By exploring the fears associated with assertiveness, she provides practical tools to handle them with grace and ease. Discover how to communicate with clarity, confidence, and an open mind, all while honoring the opinions of others. Nandi also challenges the fear of speaking up and emphasizes the power of honesty in creating connection and reconciliation. Join her as she shares the secrets to self-trust, the beauty of embracing misunderstood, and the transformative power of being assertive. Step into a world of growth and change, where your voice is heard and your leadership shines.
ENJOY THE PODCAST? Leave us a 5-star review so more people can find us!
Hi, friends, and welcome to Believe Like a Boss. I'm your host Life Coach, nandi Kamil. Join me as I teach you how to smash your goals and expand the possibility of your life through mindset management, spiritual alignment and authentic action. I'll teach you how to create what I like to call a life of thrive, with ease and authenticity. It's time to play with what's possible. Are you ready? Let's go.
Speaker 2:
Hello, hello, hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of Believe Like a Boss. I am your host, life Coach, nandi Kamil, and as always, I am so grateful, thankful and excited to have you here for another episode. It's a little bit crazy. We're getting towards the end of season five, and normally do anywhere from 20 to 30 episodes in a season, or towards the end of season five, which is bananas. And to think that it's actually we're at season five, that I'm at season five, is crazy.
Speaker 2:
I've been spending a lot of time just reviewing the empire that I've built, my little baby I don't want to belittle myself my little baby empire over here, my baby life coaching empire. I remember when I became a life coach and when I first became a blogger before I was a life coach I used to call myself a baby blogger and then I called myself a baby life coach. And as you grow, now I have a baby empire and one day it'll be a grown empire. But I've been reflecting on what I've built over the past five years. Now these seasons don't necessarily match the amount of years that I've been in business. I started my life coaching business before I started the podcast, so there's probably two years, two or three years that I was coaching before I even started the podcast, but I've been reviewing just how I've created what I've created, the women that I've worked with, the things that I've done, all the way back to when I first started my business in 2018, and the very first events that I did. I'm looking back at those photos and it's funny and amazing at the same time that the acupuncture studio that I still go to this day was one of the places that I had my very first life coaching event. We did acupuncture and then we did goal setting at the same time. So we sat around in the lobby we talked about goal setting and who we want to be and what we want to become, and then we set an intention when we went to go and get acupuncture and there was about five women. It was one of my very first events and it was just such a small group but such a meaningful group. I look back at that picture and I still keep in touch with at least two of the women from that group, but could reach out to any of them just to say hi, just to reach out to them, and it's been really humbling and beautiful and fun to look back on that and other events that I've done throughout the years as I'm looking to see what I want to create next.
Speaker 2:
There's a lot of change that I feel like I've been going through. Personally, the metaphor I love to use whenever I'm going through change is the butterfly, and it's felt. I don't know if you all know the anatomy, the biology of butterflies, but I did not learn this until I was a full grown adult. We all, most of us, know that there's the caterpillar. The caterpillar eats, you know, we read the hungry caterpillar and then it makes a chrysalis and then from the chrysalis, the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. But the part that I didn't know until I was an adult was that inside the chrysalis, the caterpillar fully melts down. I use the word melt I'm sure there's a better word for that but it fully becomes liquid. The entire body of the caterpillar becomes liquid. It dissolves in order to reform into a butterfly.
Speaker 2:
And I think that that's why life coaches, personal development people, therapists use this metaphor, because often when we're going through change, it's very uncomfortable. It's almost as if everything we know has liquefied and is coming into its new form. And while it might be a part of life to change. It can feel really uncomfortable to be fully liquefied, to not know what you're going to emerge as, and so I've been telling my friends that I feel like I'm just out of the liquid stage. I feel like I'm breaking out of the chrysalis. My wings are wet and I'm crawling my way out to see my new wings. That's the phase of life that I feel like I'm in, and it seems to be the case for a lot of my clients as well, because there's these themes that are coming up in our coaching sessions. And so, for the next few episodes, what I've done is I pulled some of the themes that I'm noticing with my clients to bring them to you all, and so I've done some of the themes.
Speaker 2:
That's extra Obvious, I'd say, is this theme of being more assertive. Now, I think that this goes hand in hand with confidence, but, specifically, my clients are using the word assertive. I want to be more assertive, I want to be confident in the workspace, but I also want to assert myself into spaces. I want to be, I want to show my coworkers that I am the leader that I desire to be. I want to lead, I want to show up as a leader. I want to speak my mind in a way that brings new ideas to my company, to my business, whatever it is.
Speaker 2:
So first I'm going to start with the Google definition. Google defines assertive as having or showing a competent or forceful personality. I thought that was interesting or forceful personality, and I think that often what happens is we hear the word assertive and there's a negative connotation attached to it. We believe that by being assertive, we're being bitchy, we're being rude, we're being mean or we're afraid of being seen as bitchy, rude or mean. And this is what I'm working on with my clients. How do we find that sweet spot where we can be clear, concise, confident in the way that we communicate, without steamrolling other people, without ignoring other opinions, while being open minded but maybe still stern in your point of view? How do we find the sweet spot and this balance? That's what we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 2:
For my clients, it's usually those who are not speaking up when they believe doing so will either make the other person feel bad, jeopardize their job or cause an uncomfortable conversation in which they will be forced to hold their ground. So these are the things that I'm seeing my clients are wanting to speak up, but they're catching themselves walking away from conversations, not having spoken up, not having said what they needed to say or wanted to say, for one of those three reasons they feel like they're going to make the other person feel bad. They feel like, if it's in a workspace, they're going to jeopardize their job, or they feel like it could cause an uncomfortable conversation in which now they have to have their own back and they may not necessarily want to argue their point of view right. So the desire that comes across is they want to be a person who always leaves the conversation feeling aligned. That's the way I'm going to define this and that's what we're going to focus on in this.
Speaker 2:
For the person that wants to always leave a conversation feeling aligned, this is the podcast for you. Now, I say aligned because that means different things to different people, and I really, truly want you to step into the practice of trusting yourself that when you're in a conversation with somebody, it might feel aligned for you to speak up, to speak your point of view, to offer a new perspective to that person. It might feel more aligned to be a deep listener in that moment. Go home and practice in the mirror what you might say and then come back right. But what's important is that you leave that conversation. What our intention is is that you leave that conversation feeling good about how you showed up, regardless. This is regardless if you spoke up, chose not to spoke up, whatever it was that you walk away from conversations you are having feeling aligned, right. Again, this doesn't always mean that you speak up, because different people value different things.
Speaker 2:
What's alignment to me may not be alignment to you. You have to decide what it means to be your most aligned at work, at home and in your relationship. So I would offer, first and foremost, check in with that. What does it mean for me to be my most aligned at home, in my conversations with my partner? Where do I feel out of alignment in my conversations with my partner? Where do I feel out of alignment in my conversations at work? Where am I feeling less than that's another way to say out of alignment in my conversations with my friendships? Right, and what would it look like to be more in alignment? Do I feel like my friends are steamrolling me, that I always listen to their opinions and they don't listen to mine? Do I feel like my boss is steamrolling me? Do I feel like my partner is not hearing me. Where do I feel out of alignment and what would it look like for me to be more aligned?
Speaker 2:
Let's get clear on that first, because, again, it doesn't always mean that you're speaking up. Sometimes it's just your posture, sometimes it's. I'm tired of being in conversations where I'm listening to somebody and I just feel like I'm all sunk down and my energy's low and I'm always feel like I'm getting beat up. I wanna step into the energy of I can receive information and not make it a problem that my higher up has some new tasks for me to work on. I want you to check in what is in alignment to you. So what I'm gonna do is I'm going to unpack the three different fears that often come up for my clients, the three themes that I'm seeing, excuse me and offer you some tools for each of them.
Speaker 2:
So, if you're wanting to be more assertive, but the fear that's coming up is, I'm afraid of making the other person feel bad because this person might be sensitive. You've noticed that they often do not take information well, you might find that this person is one of those people that quote dish it out but can't take it. You might feel as though this person just causes drama in general. So you might have constructive feedback. You might have a different point of view and, based on their prior behavior, patterns of behavior, your brain has inferred that if I speak up, I'm going to make this person feel bad. They are not going to receive what I have to say.
Speaker 2:
Here's what I want to offer. First, we can't control anybody. It is a logical thought to think they're not going to receive anything. I'm going to say You're a logical person, you have a logical brain. That's a logical thought. Now I want you to check in. This is where the alignment comes in. This is where you get to make the decision.
Speaker 2:
If I truly believe that it's not going to be received, this is an opportunity for me to change my mindset about things. Maybe I see this situation, maybe I see this person a different way. If I'm not willing to speak up because I truly don't believe that they're going to hear me, that's an option. That is 100% an option, because if you're not going to speak up, then we have to own that. This person cannot read my mind and therefore it's a me problem, not a them problem If you are unwilling to speak up about what is bothering you. That is not a them problem, that is a you problem. And then you have the I wouldn't even say problem. That's just, it's yours to own. From there you can decide do I wish to speak up or not? If I choose not to speak up, that's yours to own. We cannot assume that other people read our minds right. By choosing to not speak up. You're choosing to own the problem, because when we speak up, we allow for collaboration, we allow for communication, but if you're going to keep it to yourself, then that's a you thing. Okay.
Speaker 2:
So I want you to check in with your intention. Should you choose to speak up, let's say you've decided yes, I would like to speak up, even though I feel like this person might feel some type of way afterwards, even though there's a chance that they may not hear me, there's a chance that they will. And so, as you're going to speak up, as you're going to be more assertive to say what you need to say, whatever that is for you, I want you to check in with your intention. Is my intention to prove them wrong? Is my intention to present a new perspective? Is my intention to offer a solution?
Speaker 2:
What I want to offer to you is that you keep your side of the street clean, that if your intention is to put somebody in their place, that is not the assertiveness that we're talking about. I'm talking about the assertiveness that is you being empowered to speak with kindness and clarity so that you can create connection. The point of the assertiveness that we're talking about right now it's objective in being our objective, rather in being assertive is connection. So I want you to check in that, if your fear of speaking up is because I'm afraid this person is going to feel bad, be willing for them to feel bad, be willing for you to feel uncomfortable. As long as that alignment, as long as that intention is in the space of connection, if your intention is to bring this person down, you will not get the solution. You actually you might get that solution right. We can always bring somebody down, but the intention with us being assertive here is to create connection.
Speaker 2:
So check in. Where are you showing up from? Why are you wanting to tell this person about themselves or make a statement? Do not allow the fear of them feeling bad to keep you from showing up. All emotions are welcome. All emotions are welcome. Sadness is not a bad emotion. Anger is not a bad emotion. So if you are staying small because you're afraid that they're going to get sad or angry, what I'd like to offer to you is sadness and anger is not a bad emotion. It is an emotion Period and it is not our job to manage other people's emotions. It is our job to manage our intentions. It is our job to manage our words and how we communicate, but it is not our job to manage how it is received.
Speaker 2:
Here's the second fear. Often clients of mine will not speak up, or even myself I've got myself not speaking up because we're afraid it's going to jeopardize our job. This is a fear that comes up often. I don't want to speak up to my boss because I don't want them to see me in a bad way. I don't want them to fire me. I don't want to lose my job Again.
Speaker 2:
You have a logical brain. Remember that your brain is always trying to protect you. Your brain is always trying to protect you. So it makes sense that when you go to speak up to your boss, that there might be a fear that creeps up. The brain says will it jeopardize my livelihood? And as long as that fear is there, it makes sense that there's going to be resistance to showing up. Now, again, this is where you get to take some time to be mindful. Is this actually true? Do I actually believe that I will actually lose my job if I speak up about asking for a raise, if I speak up about my coworker who's not picking up their weight, if I speak up about this policy that I think needs to change? Do I really truly believe that my job is in jeopardy if I speak up on these things? It might be true. It might be true that, yes, you have a punitive boss who, if you speak up on this, could threaten your job. You have seen them do it with other people. Again. Now we get to be mindful again.
Speaker 2:
If this is true, you have a choice. Is this a place you would like to remain? Is this a place where you would like to continue to work, knowing that your boss, your higher-ups, the people you work with, are unavailable for your authentic self and I don't say authentic self. I think that the imagery that comes up with like they're not accepting my authentic self Is this like woo-woo hippie that comes into work. It's like yo man. We need to chill out. We need to have 10-hour workdays and only four days a week, and that's it. You know what? That could absolutely be a part of what you're asking for, but what we're talking about here is not that. We're not talking about that. So if it is true that you believe that your boss would fire you for if you spoke up, that's a really great opportunity for you to check in. Is this a place that I want to remain? If you choose yes, then you're also choosing to not be supported, to not be in a place that supports you. But that's your choice. That is totally up to you. That is totally up to you.
Speaker 2:
Now let's flip it to the other side. Let's say that you ask that question to yourself. You're like, ah, it's probably not true that I'm gonna get fired for this. It's probably not true. I could probably speak up. They might have thoughts and questions that they need to ask me, but it's not likely true that I'm going to get fired. All right, from that place. I would love you to practice.
Speaker 2:
What is it that you would like to say to your boss, your hire to your employees? How would you like to say it? What is the result you'd like to get? Imagine receiving that result and imagine what you would need to do in order to receive that result. What part? If you're asking for a raise? How did you ask for a raise? There's a difference between walking into your boss's office and announced and asking for a raise, or even on a weekly one-on-one that you all have, just randomly asking for a raise versus and I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way, but there's just different ways that we can go about this doing a little bit of market research what is the going rate for your position? What have you contributed to the country, to the company that shows that you're worth a raise? Have you done your research? And then did you plan a meeting, a specific meeting, with your boss, one-on-one, to have that conversation?
Speaker 2:
Think through these things. When we eliminate fear, when we check in, we say, actually I'm not gonna get fired for this. Let's think through this. My hope and my offering is that it empowers you to think through this truly. What is the result that you want to get? How do you believe you need to show up in order to get it? And practice, practice in the mirror. Say the things you want to say to your boss in the mirror to yourself. Say them to your best friend, say them to your partner, say them to your coach. I will practice with clients inside coaching calls. How do you want to say no? How do you want to ask for your needs to be met? Let's practice here. Practice saying it out loud. Practice in the car, when you're driving to work, when you're driving home. What is it that you want to say? Check in with the intention and how you're saying it, and practice until it feels good as it comes out of your mouth. That's what I want to say and that's how I want to say it.
Speaker 2:
Now, here's the third fear. The third fear is that if I speak up, I could cause an uncomfortable conversation. If I speak up, this person might not agree with me. If I speak up, this person might buck back at me. I might speak up and they might not understand, they may not get it, they may not agree, and so I'm afraid to speak up because I'm afraid of having my own back. Can we pause right there for a moment? How many of us don't speak up because we're afraid that, if we do, we will then have to have our own back about it, that we will have to not necessarily argue for our point of view, but that if we're going to bring up a different perspective, that we might have to stand by that perspective, even if the person that we're talking to doesn't agree, and not for the sake of standing by it. Of course, what I'm offering and what I'm hoping is that we are all open-minded, right that even in our conversation, where we might truly believe that we're right, that we are deeply listening to the perspective across from us. Here's what I want to offer.
Speaker 2:
If you're afraid of speaking up because you're afraid that it's going to cause an altercation and argument, first question is are you willing to remain silent in order to quote keep the peace? This is a legitimate question. This is not a question meant to shame you. Are you willing to stay silent in order to quote keep the peace? Because that's often what is happening. Let me just stay silent, let me not say anything because I want to keep the peace. But what happens when we do that is resentment often builds because we're not peaceful within ourselves. We're angry, we're frustrated, we don't like what's going on and, instead of speaking up about it to create solutions, we're harboring it inside, to quote keep the peace. But what we're actually noticing is now we're starting to walk around resenting this other person. This is where we get to clean it up. If you're going to choose not to speak, then we also have to choose to clean up our side of the street because, again, as much as we want people to be able to, people cannot read our minds. So if you are choosing not to speak about it, you are also choosing no longer to have a problem with it.
Speaker 2:
Here's the second one. Is it more true that you would rather be momentarily uncomfortable if it meant being aligned in the long run? These are questions that I simply want you to roll around and ask yourself, because in one conversation with a client, you unpack this and she decided at the end of it you know what it does not feel worth my time to have this conversation with this person. I would actually rather walk away from the relationship at this point. For another client, she did want to have the conversation. I'm tired of walking away, feeling frustrated, and I'm not really willing to walk away from this relationship. So I would rather engage, rumble a little bit, have a tough conversation If it means that we can reconcile, have connection, and I then am communicating in a more empowered way. So there are no wrong answers here. It really truly comes down to what's worth it to you.
Speaker 2:
If you're looking for connection, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, whether it's in the workspace, familiar or romantic are you willing to be honest so you can get to that place? Are you willing to speak your mind and have somebody not understand so that you can create connection, authentic connection, or are you in the place that you know what? I have spoken up, I have said things before. I don't know how much more clear I can be and actually I'm going to take myself out of the relationship at this point. Here's some things I want to give you that I hope will serve you.
Speaker 2:
One there are no wrong answers. As you're going through this, as you're navigating this, I really want you to give yourself grace. When we walk away, excuse me from conversations and we feel like I should have said more. I could have said more. There's more that I could have done. Give yourself grace. You're mindfully noticing the next version of you that you would like to become. That's it, the next version of me. I want to speak up more. I want to be more involved in the conversation. I want to feel comfortable to disagree with love with other people. So give yourself grace. There are no wrong answers as to how we navigate communication. Check in and ensure that your intention and your side of the street is clean and practice.
Speaker 2:
Second one is are you willing to be misunderstood? Part of what keeps us from showing up whether it's fear of judgment, fear of being fired, fear of having to actually have a tough conversation Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing to speak your mind and somebody not get it? Are you willing to say what you need to say, knowing that somebody on the other side of the person that you're talking to might not understand, might not agree, there might not be the connection that you seek, even after you're honest? Are you willing to be misunderstood? Are you willing for them to not get it? And this is us doing our very best to make sure we communicate clearly, concisely. Are you willing to, after all of that, still have them misunderstand you? Right, and then that gives us more information. If this is a romantic relationship and they're not understanding you the way that you're showing up, then we get to have a conversation about that. But what often will stop us from even opening our mouths in the first place is what if they don't get it? They might not get it, and we have to be okay with that.
Speaker 2:
Here's the third one are you willing to risk the relationship? Are you willing? Often we don't speak up because we're afraid that if I speak up, this relationship is over. If I say my truth, they won't receive it, and this will be done. My question, my offering for you, is is that a relationship that you want to be in, in which you cannot speak up for fear of ending the relationship? What I would offer is be willing to risk the relationship so that you can be your most aligned self, be willing to say your truth and risk them walking away so that you can have space for the person that's supposed to be there, whether that's a romantic relationship, a client, a boss, whatever it is, whoever it is. Are you willing to be your most aligned self and, in that, allow for people who don't agree with that don't vibe with that to exit stage left.
Speaker 2:
Click in. I want you to give yourself grace. We're all humaining for the very first time. Here's the last affirmation I'm going to give you. Everyone is doing their best, and I say that as an affirmation because it's something that I carry with me all of the time when I feel like people are being combative don't get me, don't understand I remind myself that everyone is doing their best, even if their best looks different than mine. Everyone is doing their best, including you, my friend. I hope this podcast episode serve you. Find me at nadicom Meal on Instagram. Come watch the stories while I'm traveling and reach out. If you're ready to coach, if you are ready to have somebody in your corner to help you manage your mind, help you manage your life so you can create the results that you want, head to nadicomasme to book your discovery call. All this is also in the show notes. I'll see you guys next week.